“You have an idea what the new country looks like. Still, you are very much at home, although not truly at peace, in the old country. You know the ways of the old country, its joys and pains, its happy and sad moments…Even though you know that you have not found there what your heart most desires, you remain quite attached to it. It has become part of your very bones.
It seems that you keep crossing and recrossing the border. For a while you experience a real joy in the new country. But then you feel afraid and start longing again for all you left behind, so you go back to the old country. To your dismay, you discover that the old country has lost its charm. Risk a few more steps into the new country, trusting that each time you enter it, you will feel more comfortable and be able to stay longer.”
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Arrive
One of the most frustrating parts of growth is realizing how easy it still is to go back.
I used to think that if I was really changing, certain struggles would just…lose their pull. But that didn’t happen. Even when I wanted to move forward, I still felt drawn to the same things I knew weren’t good for me.
And if I’m honest, that led to a deeper question: Was I actually changing at all?
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There were times I wondered if something was wrong with me. Like maybe I didn’t want it enough. Maybe I wasn’t serious. Maybe part of me still wanted what I was trying to leave behind.
Because if I was really growing… wouldn’t it get easier?
But what I’ve come to realize is this:
Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it’s where you belong. Old patterns feel easy because they’re known. They’re wired in. They’ve been practiced.
Your mind and body remember them - even when your heart is trying to move in a new direction.
And yeah… sometimes it’s not just that it’s familiar. Sometimes I still choose it, because in the moment it feels like relief. And if I’m really honest, there were times i wasn’t fighting it at all. I chose it because I still wanted it. Because it felt good. Because it was familiar. Because part of me wasn’t ready to let it go yet.
And even that is something God is patient with - not ignoring it, but slowly exposing it and calling me to move forward in repentance and freedom. So of course the pull is still there. But even that doesn’t mean nothing is changing. It might mean something deeper is being exposed - something you didn’t see as clearly before.
That doesn’t mean nothing is changing. it means we are in the middle of change. And now, instead of automatically going back, we are more aware of what’s actually happening. We feel the pull… and we are learning, little by little, not to follow it the same way.
That’s not failure. That’s growth.
Respond
Where does it still feel easy for you to go back right now?
Don’t let that discourage you. Pay attention to what’s different this time - even if it’s small.
Are you more aware? More honest? More willing to fight that you used to be?
That matters!
On Repeat
Quick Update!
Meg, one of our readers, recommended I start a Spotify playlist and start adding the songs that we’ve referenced in the newsletter. So, here it is; Oasis: On Repeat!
If you would like to go back and listen to any of the songs from the newsletter, you can click on the link below and follow the playlist.
“Can’t go back to the beginning”
This is one of the lines from the song that’s been sitting with me this week. Sometimes it feels easy to go back to old habits and behaviors that are bad for us. Sometimes we want to go back to an earlier time - a different version of ourselves, but we can’t.
We have to move forward - even if it feels like we are walking through the same place again.
“Like the sun shaping the shadow, in my weakness Your glory appears”
This is another line that I love from the song. Maybe that’s what I keep missing. Maybe the shadows don’t have to disappear for something to be changing. It is in that weakness that we experience God’s glory appear and it shines bright. It shows us that we can’t do it on our own. Maybe progress isn’t the absence of struggle, but the way the light pushes back the shadows and shapes them in a new way. Maybe growth isn’t starting over, but learning to move forward from here.
Enjoy this week’s On Repeat!
In Christ,
Ben
