Last month we spent time exploring what unhealthy environments can quietly do beneath the surface. We talked about the slow erosion of trust, the temptation toward self-abandonment, and the reality that leaving doesn't always mean we've healed.

As I reflected on those conversations, I realized something. Recognizing what is unhealthy is only part of the journey. Eventually, we begin asking a different question:

If that wasn't the character of Christ...what is?

For me, healing wasn't simply learning to recognize unhealthy patterns. It was slowly learning to recognize Christlike love again. That's what this series is about. Not becoming experts on counterfeits. But becoming so deeply familiar with the character of Jesus that we begin to recognize what genuinely reflects Him.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling unsettled, even though you couldn't explain why? Maybe someone said all the right things. Maybe they even did genuinely kind things. Yet something about the interaction left you feeling unseen instead of cared for, confused instead of understood.

Those moments can be difficult to explain because they don't always come with obvious warning signs. In fact, that's part of what makes them so confusing.

Looking back over the last several years, I've realized one of the deepest effects of unhealthy relationships wasn't simply the hurt they caused. It was the confusion they left behind.

For me, it wasn't that I stopped believing genuine love existed, because we were experiencing it in our marriage. We were also experiencing it in our new church family. I experienced it in relationships that consistently reflected the character of Christ, and those relationships became part of God's healing in my life. But I found myself struggling to distinguish Christlike love from relationships that carried the language of Christ without consistently reflecting His character.

For others, that confusion may run even deeper. Some have experienced so many distorted versions of love that they wonder if they even know what genuine love looks like anymore.

Wherever you find yourself, I hope this series becomes an invitation—not to become an expert on counterfeits, but to become more deeply familiar with the One whose love has always been real.

When banks train people to recognize counterfeit money, they don't spend most of their time studying fake bills. Instead, they spend countless hours becoming familiar with genuine currency. They learn its texture, its weight, and its subtle details. The better they know what's authentic, the easier it becomes to recognize when something isn't.

Relationships can be surprisingly similar. Counterfeit love rarely announces itself. If it did, it wouldn't deceive anyone. Counterfeits aren't convincing because they're completely different from the real thing. They're convincing because they resemble it.

The goal isn't to memorize every possible counterfeit bill. That would be impossible. Instead, people become so familiar with the genuine article that subtle differences begin to stand out.

I've come to believe the same is true in our spiritual lives. We don't become discerning primarily by studying every unhealthy relationship, every manipulative leader, or every distorted expression of love. If we’re honest, much of our attention today is spent analyzing what is unhealthy.

We watch videos exposing toxic leaders. We read stories about spiritual abuse. We learn the warning signs of manipulation. Those conversations can be important. They can give language to experiences that have long remained hidden. But if that’s all we consume, we may become experts on what is unhealthy while remaining unfamiliar with the character of Christ.

I say this because I have been guilty of doing this very thing. In much of my study and research for some of the ministries my wife and I serve in, it can be easy to become too familiar with the unhealthy. That’s why this series isn’t primarily about studying counterfeits. It’s about becoming so familiar with Jesus that His character becomes our reference point again.

Discernment doesn’t grow merely by recognizing darkness. It also grows by becoming deeply familiar with The Light. We become discerning by becoming deeply familiar with the character of Christ. Sometimes counterfeit love looks like generosity. Sometimes it sounds like compassion. Sometimes it uses words like grace, family, sacrifice, or service. That's what makes it confusing.

Not because every act of kindness is manipulative—but because not every act of kindness consistently reflects the character of Christ. One of the hardest parts of healing isn't simply recovering from what happened. Sometimes it's learning to recognize the difference.

As my wife and I shared some of the spiritual abuse we had experienced, I often believed I was being heard. At least, I thought I was. There were conversations where I was asked thoughtful questions about what had happened. At first, I appreciated them. I assumed the questions came from a desire to understand our story. On the surface, it felt compassionate.

Yet over time, I noticed something I couldn't quite explain. I often walked away feeling more unsettled than cared for. I couldn't put words to it then. I just knew something felt different. The conversations often left me feeling more examined than understood.

Looking back, I realize I spent a lot of time trying to explain away that unsettled feeling. Maybe I was being too sensitive. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I simply misunderstood.

What I didn't realize was that the feeling itself wasn't asking me to make a final judgment. It was inviting me to ask better questions.

Looking back now, I don't think that unsettled feeling was something to ignore. It wasn't proof that I was right, nor was it my final authority. But it became an invitation to slow down and pay attention. Instead of immediately dismissing it—or assuming the worst—I began asking different questions.

That confusion didn't make me suspicious of everyone. It simply made me realize I needed a clearer picture of what Christlike love actually looks like.

Eventually, I realized something. If I spent all my energy studying unhealthy relationships, I'd probably become suspicious of everyone. But Jesus never invited His followers to become experts on counterfeits. He invited them to know Him.

The more familiar we become with the character of Christ, the easier it becomes to recognize what genuinely reflects Him—and what simply resembles Him. That unsettled feeling wasn't inviting me to become suspicious of people. It was inviting me to look more closely at Jesus.

I wasn't learning to trust my instincts more than Christ. I was learning to bring my instincts to Christ. Our feelings aren't infallible, but neither are they meaningless. Sometimes they're invitations to slow down, pray, seek wisdom, and hold what we're experiencing up against the character of Jesus.

In the Gospels, people who encountered Jesus were not always left comfortable. He confronted, challenged, and called people to repentance. But even His hardest words were rooted in truth, compassion, and a steady commitment to their good. His love did not leave people indebted to Him. It moved them toward freedom.

Perhaps healing isn't only learning to recognize unhealthy patterns. Perhaps healing is learning to recognize Christ again. The goal of this series isn't to help us become suspicious people. It's to help us become people who know Jesus so well that, over time, His character becomes the lens through which we recognize genuine love—both in others and, by His grace, increasingly in ourselves.

Here are some things for us to think through this week as we begin this series.

Take time with these reflections this week. Don’t rush. Answering some of these will help as we move through this series.

If Jesus is the clearest picture of genuine love the world has ever seen, how well do I really know His character?

Maybe the next step is not to look more closely at the people who confuse us, but to look more closely at Jesus - and the way He loved the people in front of Him. We will look at that next week!

If this series resonates with you and you want to do a deeper study on this topic, I highly recommend Love Walked Among Us by Paul Miller. Rather than simply talking about love, it invites us to become familiar with Jesus and His character by slowing down and watching how He loved the people around Him.

As I wrote this first issue, I kept coming back to one simple question: What is the way of Jesus?

Before we can recognize what genuinely reflects His love, we have to become familiar with His heart. My hope is that this song doesn’t just stay on repeat in your playlist this week, but becomes a prayer as we begin this journey together.

Enjoy this week’s On Repeat!

In Christ,
Ben